by Monosyllable B. Housewarmings
Carolina @ JACKSONVILLE -11
Football coaches - the ones who didn't play in the NFL in the last 15 years - look like regular guys. Well, not Tom Coughlin, who looks like a drunken, raging leprechaun. But John Fox seems like the kind of guy who you could sit down and have a beer with, except it'd have to be a super expensive beer since he makes a million dollars a year, and you'd have to sit on a plush cushion covered in whale foreskin, and discuss the options market in China. Or Vinny Testaverde. I think John would rather discuss the options market.
DALLAS @ Detroit -11
This absolutely perplexes me. Not this line, but Jon Kitna called Terrance Newman overrated after Detroit's win over Dallas last season. Now Newman is saying when he comes in on a corner blitz, he doesn't care about any fines, he's going to knock the faith out of Jon Kitna. Huh? Some guy calls you 'overrated' and you get really upset? How petty. It does, however, give me the idea of impishly stalking around NYC offices and calling random people overrated - how often is any person in a non-sports context called 'overrated'? I feel like hipsters could do this and get away with it.
Miami @ BUFFALO -7
I'm pretty sure everything that's gone wrong in my life has had no consequences. In the last year, I lost 1/8th of my net worth due to incredible foolishness, and ran a man over with my car, with absolutely no repercussions. I mean, none - my lawyer kept ducking payment because their firm does a lot of business with the company my father works for. I guess I lost a few bucks getting an affadavit notarized. Somehow I continue to bumble through life without major tragedy or success.
Ricky Williams probably feels the same way.
New York Giants @ PHILADELPHIA -3
Andy Reid is a portly mess, and if his sons weren't in jail, I'm pretty sure he'd be buying heroin off them to ease the pain of the loss two weeks ago. That said, the Giants' offense less Brandon Jacobs is painfully inept.
Oakland @ GREEN BAY -10½
La Rochefoucauld is an interesting case of being 17th century meta - one can imagine him wittily bantering at some party, bedding some noble lady, then writing some scorning one-liner about vanity the next morning. Writing against vanity is like killing for peace - a futile goal made absurd by the very act which attempts to achieve it.
Pittsburgh @ NEW ENGLAND -10½
Speaking of Bill Belichick and selfishness, one thing that's always confused me about Ayn Rand is that selfishness as a virtue is best for all. So really, the more contemptible a self-centered ass you are, the more everyone has and the better everyone is. Being a Randist is like having your cake, eating it too, and turning into a 300 pounder with a lot of cake who no one wants to fuck.
San Diego @ Tennessee Pick 'Em
I'm on a roll - although that last line, I'm still not sure about it. I loved it when I thought of it. It might need some touching up - the concept is golden.
Hey, what if you pick a push for this one? i think a push in a pick 'em game should be worth 20 wins.
St. Louis @ CINCINNATI -7
I'm writing this post in Mozilla, which is earnestly underlining my supposed mis-spellings with helpful red lines. Thank you, Mozilla, for pointing out that 'Randist' is not a word - it certainly shouldn't be. Oddly enough, it seems to think 'Mozilla' is just okay, but 'okay' isn't.
Gus Frerotte's triumphant return to Cincinnati.
TAMPA BAY @ Houston -3
Handicapping question - a particular QB averages 2 throwing TDs a game. If you were to fairly handicap this with an over/under without juice, what kind of line would you put on it?
Arizona @ SEATTLE -7
Both of these teams should be contracted. Contract the whole NFC West. And the AFC West. Hold a re-distribution draft, liquidate their contracts, and their stadiums can be converted into megachurches. I love the idea of a megachurch - Mozilla doesn't recognize that word either. It's against televangelism and hyper-'rationalism'. I suspect it's a utilitarian, democratic browser that won't even recognize timocracy if it saw it. (nope)
Arizona is who we thought they were - a maddeningly inconsistent team with injury-prone receivers.
MINNESOTA @ San Francisco -8½
The only thing that will stop Adrian Peterson this week is if he slips on his own drool at seeing the enormous holes his stellar offensive line will punch in the feckless San Francisco defense. Whenever SF is on defense, I think the Benny Hill music should be playing at all times.
CLEVELAND @ New York Jets -3½
This is really tough.
Kansas City @ DENVER -6½
Kolby Smith, I absolutely must get a touchdown from you this week. I must. My entire season hangs in the balance. Denver's running defense would have a hard time stopping a one-legged man - well, a one-legged man who competes in marathons, one of those crazy one-legged guys who after a crippling injury decides to devote his life to mere capability. Losing a limb would just make me more surly, I think.
INDIANAPOLIS @ Baltimore -9
Time to lock up Bodymore, Murdaland. When you walk through the garden, you'd better watch your step.
Baltimore +9, LOCK OF THE WEEK, Indianapolis 28, Baltimore 21
NEW ORLEANS @ Atlanta -4
I've been picking Atlanta too much this season, and New Orleans too much this season. Unfortunately both teams' coaches are dummies.